A CHALLENGE TO A CHILD’S DIGNITY

I was not born with a silver spoon or with a gold spoon. My parents were not rich before I came into this world and even after my existence, but we didn’t beg for food to eat. Despite the fact that we were not rich, my parent made sure they gave us (their children) the best care in their capacity equivalent to that given to the rich (children) out there. My father and mother never made us do things that deprived us of education or jeopardize our safety. I never hawked anything on the street. I am not saying these things because I am full of myself nor to criticize anyone but to give my opinion on this menace of child hawking.

There is this pain I feel in my heart when I see a child (minor) hawking, especially when he or she should be in school studying. The problem isn’t hawking, rather why should a little child be hawking when others are studying? I understand that Nigeria has given most homes, situations that they didn’t bargain for, but I think a parent should safeguard his or her child or children from danger. The dangers that come with child hawking is much and can have far-reaching effects on the child as an adult.

First, 90% of children that hawk lacks proper formal intelligence because they have limited time to study (that is if they attend school). Second, a child that hawks could be easily kidnapped, raped, killed or can join a bad gang because he or she will go to places even worse places to make sure he or she sells well. So, image what kind of future awaits such a child. Prostitution, addiction, stealing, lying and so on are probably the answers.

Children are gifts given to families from God. If your friend gives you a gift on your birthday, I’m sure you will cherish and protect that gift with your strength. So, why can’t you protect that gift (child) given to you by God with your strength?

I am aware of the fact that times are hard. However, is the little money your child brings from hawking enough to make times easy? My dear, I think it will make things worse because it could change the beautiful future of your child. You child might join a bad gang, bringing ridicule, disgrace or disappointment to you and your family. If you really need that money from hawking, please do the hawking yourself. At least you are old enough to know danger when you see one, but a child might not. Please do not only care for your child, but also protect him or her.

BEING A LADY

            Being a lady has to do with choice.  It does not necessarily mean she has to be between a certain age-grades before she can be called a ‘lady’.  A lady is a woman who is refined, polite and well-spoken.  She is an elegant and good-hearted woman who uses her femininity in the most dignified and endearing way possible.  Before she is called a ‘lady’, she possesses the attitude of elegance, courteousness and self-respect.

            An elegant, gracious loving woman is given a title ‘Lady’ because she uses etiquette and diplomacy in both public and private matters.  She has a firm control on her emotions and conducts herself with wisdom, using discernment and patience in all things.  The humbleness and assertiveness are superb.  She is beautiful from within.  She dresses modestly without drawing much attention to herself and especially not to her feminine charms (attractions). A lady is tasteful, strategic and careful; she recognizes the importance of not overworking herself or becoming solely reliant on herself.  Elegance does not only have to do with manners but also appearance.  A lady is clean both inside and outside; she is beautifully presented and approachable.  She is stylish with brain.

            She is polite, refined and well-spoken.  She is not passive but provides a positive approach to every good or bad situation.  She is positive and respectful.  With her faults and mistakes, she rises up in humility and perseverance.  She apologizes after realizing a mistake or causing offence.  She is humble.  She assists the destitute (poor) because she is humble.  Her humility comes with forgiveness and she does not seek ill will in her heart or with her tongue.

            She is lovable and has self-respect and respects others.  She is principled with essence.  She minds her choice of words.  She is reserved.  Discrimination and prejudice are not the qualities she possesses, she loves everyone and loves herself.  She avoids occasions that can vilify her personality.  She is neither ascetic nor selfish and not opinionated, as her evaluations and conclusions are based on facts, after careful observation.  She is truthful.  She is considerate and loves her partner and others.  She has a healthy sense of self-esteem.  She is not motivated by money and superficiality.  She is not afraid of life and wakes up every day to work.  She is beautiful.

            “Being a female is a matter of birth, being a woman is a matter of age, but being a lady is a matter of choice” A lady: “She is a servant and serves joyfully yet knows it is from the beauty of her heart not from obligation.  She is not pretentious or ostentatious.  She is charismatic and has learned the art of persuasion.  She is self-controlled, poised, charming, accepting of herself and others in a balanced light, merciful and tactful when dealing with situations that render others or her in a negative light, and uncompromising with her value.  She is careful with her choice of words, soft-spoken, slow and clears in her speech.  She is compassionate and passionate but reserved in how and where she displays her passion.  She is not promiscuous and unfaithful to her partner, and any agreement they have is not broken through deceit but rather through honesty and with delicacy if it is to change.  She knows she stumbles and is not perfect, but perfection isn’t her goal, however, she works towards being the best possible version of herself.  She is feminine beyond a shadow of “doubt”

            Any female is a woman or will be a woman but being a ‘lady’ takes choice and work. It isn’t inborn but practised.  It is a fine art and takes focus and consideration.  Make a choice to be a Lady!

SEXUAL ABUSE IN MINORS

            Child sexual abuse is a result of abusive behavior that takes advantage of a child’s vulnerability and is in no way related to the sexual orientation of the abusive person.  Child sexual abuse is a form of abuse that includes sexual activity with a minor, when a perpetrator intentionally harms a minor physically, psychologically, sexually or by acts of neglect.

            It does not necessarily mean that it has to be physical contact between a perpetrator and a child.  It could be touching or non-touching activity.  Examples of touching activities include:

Ø  Intercourse

Ø  Fondling

Ø  Sex of any kind with a minor

Ø  Making a minor or a child touch someone else’s genitals, play sexual games or have sex putting objects or body parts (like fingers, tongue or penis) inside the vagina, in the mouth or in the anus of a child for sexual pleasure.

Some examples of non-touching activities include:

Ø  Exhibitionism or exposing oneself to a minor.

Ø  Masturbation in the presence of a minor

Ø  Obscure phone calls, text messages, or digital interaction in the presence of a minor

Ø  Producing, owning or sharing pornographic images or movies of children.

Ø  Sex trafficking.

Ø  Inappropriately watching, a child undresses or uses the bathroom.

The perpetrator of child abuse could be a family member or someone the child or the family knows.  The perpetrator doesn’t have to be an adult to harm a child.  He could be a relation, older sibling or playmate, a coach, or an instructor, a caretaker or parent of another child.

Ø  The perpetrators have tactics which they use to cover their misdeeds.  They could manipulate victims to stay quiet about the sexual abuse using a number of different tactics like manipulation, power of intimidation or convincing the child that it is normal.

As soon as a child is being abused, there are visible signs that show the change in the child.  Children often show, rather than tell that something is upsetting them.  There may be many reasons for changes in their behavior or physically.

Physical signs:

Ø  Bleeding, bruises, swelling of the genital area

Ø  Difficulty in walking or sitting

Ø  Blood, torn, or stained underclothes

Ø  Frequent urinary or yeast infections

Ø  Pain, itching, or burning in the genital area

Behavioral signs:

Ø  Sleeping problems, nightmares

Ø  Becoming unusually secretive

Ø  Outburst of anger

Ø  Acting out in an inappropriate sexual way with toys or objects.

Ø  Sudden unexplained personality changes, mood swings and seeming insecure

Ø  Becoming withdrawn or very clingy

Ø  Regressing to younger behaviors e.g. bedwetting

Ø  Unaccountable fear to particular places or people

Ø  Changes in eating habits.

Ø  Running away from home or school.

Ø  Talk to a new, older friend and unexplained money or gifts.

Ø  New adult words for body parts and no obvious source.

Ø  Self-harm (cutting, burning or other harmful activities).

Ø  Not wanting to be alone with a particular child or young person.

Any one sign doesn’t mean that a child is being abused, but the presence of several suggests that one should begin to ask questions and consider seeking help.  Most of these signs can emerge at other times of stress such as, during divorces; the death of a family member or pet; problems at school or with friends; and other anxiety-inducing or traumatic events.

It is no longer news that, children pass through different stages of development as they grow, and that their awareness and curiosity about sexual matters change as they pass from infancy into childhood and then through puberty to adolescence.  Each child is an individual and will develop in his or her own way.  However, there is a generally accepted range of behaviors linked to a child’s age and developmental stage.  Sometimes these will involve some exploration with other children of a similar age.  It can be difficult to tell the difference between age-appropriate sexual exploration and warning signs of harmful behavior.  Occasionally, we need to explain to children why we would prefer them not to continue with a particular behavior.

This is a chance to talk with them about keeping themselves and others safe and to let them know that they will have listening ears when they need to talk.  Disabled children may develop at different rates, depending on the nature of their disability, and they can be more vulnerable to abuse.  Children with learning disabilities, for example, may behave sexually in ways that are out of step with their age.  Particular care may be needed in educating such children to understand their sexual development and to ensure that they can communicate effectively about any worries they have.

WANNA BE A “MRS”

            I met this guy on ‘LinkedIn’ in August 2014.  After I had prayed and fasted for a partner, it happened to be right because he was everything I had prayed for.  He was an engineer, worked in Oil and Gas, handsome, owned a house and drove a BMW car and also from a well-educated home {he had 3 brothers, who were engineers too}, He was a Christian and in fact, a pastor’s personal assistant.  Therefore, I believed God sent him my way.

            Our relationship was a transatlantic {distance} one, but it was exciting and we were both dedicated.  We read the bible together from the beginning of our courtship and he encouraged me to join a service group in church.  He started sending me gifts one month into the relationship.  To be sure my fantasy island was real, I left Canada to visit him in Norway, where he lived, he showed me off, took me to his church and we connected very well. But something was off along the line, he complained a lot {e.g. make-up or my friends} and it was either his way or the high way.  I overlooked it and visited him a couple of times and he visited me too.  As the relationship grew, his complaints grew stronger and I gradually became a shadow of myself.

            He started from overhauling my wardrobe, stopped me from drinking wine, stopped me from making-up, complained that I am too fat on one trip and too slim on the other, then he gradually graduated to direct abuse, “you are ugly, your body has too many marks, your armpit is too dark, your hair is too short.  Your food is tasteless, your mother can’t speak English, and you are not classy enough” and so on are all he usually said to me.  But guess what?  He was still buying me gifts, sent me flowers, called me 3 times a day and still took me to meet his family, and then I got confused.

            I asked for advice from older folks, but everyone turned to remind me that I was already 29 and would have to get married as soon as possible.  They asked me to pray for him, exercise more patience, and always be the first to say ‘sorry’ and so on.  Therefore, I submitted to ’my lord’ and I became so afraid of him.

            In April 2015, I went to visit him for Easter and three days later, he asked me to leave, that he doesn’t want me anymore. I cried and begged him to let me stay until the next morning, so I can arrange my return to Canada. I slept in his kitchen that night on a wooden chair.  Around 6.00am, the following morning he came and carried me to his room upstairs from my sleep, only to ask me to marry him.  OMG!  I was too confused, I felt like fainting but with tears in my eyes I said ‘YES’.  Our families and friends were happy for us, when they heard.  My friend was happy for me but she warned me.  A few days later, he told me that I would have to leave my Ph.D. uncompleted and move to Norway after we get married. I was disappointed because we agreed earlier that he was going to relocate to Canada when we get married, but I couldn’t say a word as I didn’t want another fight.  Two days later, I had my first dirty slap from him. My offence?  I showed his Pastor my ring and told him, his PA had proposed.  I cried and in my tears, I wanted to say how I felt but then he said to me, “You have my ring and you are now my property” and he threatened to call off the engagement.  At that moment I realized that we can’t have a healthy marriage but yet I stayed.  Less than two months into the engagement, he finally broke up with me.  He said I wasn’t good enough for him, I wasn’t classy, I was a low-life, I was not smart enough, I was desperate and that he had found someone better than me {who he is now married to}.

            I cried but I promised myself that from now on, I will stop looking for a man to save me, I will stop looking for a meal ticket from a man, I will stop using the ‘churchgoer is a Christian’ line and I will be my own savior. I will be smart {cause, I thought I wasn’t}, I will heal, I will be whole, I will be healthy and be happy.  I decided that, until I finish my Ph.D. and get a job, I will not date.  So I went full-force and kicked my Ph.D. with everything I’ve got, finished it and got a job.

            Through that relationship, I was overcompensating. Why? I was getting old, I was told that I was over-educated and over qualified so I had to prove that I can cook and worship a man with my all.  I wanted a Godly man; I wanted a man that I can show off as intelligent and rich.  Then I stayed there, despite the abuse.  If he didn’t break up with me, I would have married him.  I was a coward who was ready to marry a monster, be a shadow of her and overcompensated, just to be an ‘MRS’.  I won’t tell you that I was perfect too.  I also became a monster, I fought back, I lost myself, I was broken and I became too sensitive.

            Through it all, I learned my lesson; I grew a thick skin to the people asking when I’m getting married, to those who told me; he must be a certain way.  I learned to look beyond materialism and believed that I can get my own materials.  I celebrated my married friends and their families, but I learned to run my own race and keep working on myself.

            “I am no longer a coward!  I am happy; I’m in a good place”