WANNA BE A “MRS”

            I met this guy on ‘LinkedIn’ in August 2014.  After I had prayed and fasted for a partner, it happened to be right because he was everything I had prayed for.  He was an engineer, worked in Oil and Gas, handsome, owned a house and drove a BMW car and also from a well-educated home {he had 3 brothers, who were engineers too}, He was a Christian and in fact, a pastor’s personal assistant.  Therefore, I believed God sent him my way.

            Our relationship was a transatlantic {distance} one, but it was exciting and we were both dedicated.  We read the bible together from the beginning of our courtship and he encouraged me to join a service group in church.  He started sending me gifts one month into the relationship.  To be sure my fantasy island was real, I left Canada to visit him in Norway, where he lived, he showed me off, took me to his church and we connected very well. But something was off along the line, he complained a lot {e.g. make-up or my friends} and it was either his way or the high way.  I overlooked it and visited him a couple of times and he visited me too.  As the relationship grew, his complaints grew stronger and I gradually became a shadow of myself.

            He started from overhauling my wardrobe, stopped me from drinking wine, stopped me from making-up, complained that I am too fat on one trip and too slim on the other, then he gradually graduated to direct abuse, “you are ugly, your body has too many marks, your armpit is too dark, your hair is too short.  Your food is tasteless, your mother can’t speak English, and you are not classy enough” and so on are all he usually said to me.  But guess what?  He was still buying me gifts, sent me flowers, called me 3 times a day and still took me to meet his family, and then I got confused.

            I asked for advice from older folks, but everyone turned to remind me that I was already 29 and would have to get married as soon as possible.  They asked me to pray for him, exercise more patience, and always be the first to say ‘sorry’ and so on.  Therefore, I submitted to ’my lord’ and I became so afraid of him.

            In April 2015, I went to visit him for Easter and three days later, he asked me to leave, that he doesn’t want me anymore. I cried and begged him to let me stay until the next morning, so I can arrange my return to Canada. I slept in his kitchen that night on a wooden chair.  Around 6.00am, the following morning he came and carried me to his room upstairs from my sleep, only to ask me to marry him.  OMG!  I was too confused, I felt like fainting but with tears in my eyes I said ‘YES’.  Our families and friends were happy for us, when they heard.  My friend was happy for me but she warned me.  A few days later, he told me that I would have to leave my Ph.D. uncompleted and move to Norway after we get married. I was disappointed because we agreed earlier that he was going to relocate to Canada when we get married, but I couldn’t say a word as I didn’t want another fight.  Two days later, I had my first dirty slap from him. My offence?  I showed his Pastor my ring and told him, his PA had proposed.  I cried and in my tears, I wanted to say how I felt but then he said to me, “You have my ring and you are now my property” and he threatened to call off the engagement.  At that moment I realized that we can’t have a healthy marriage but yet I stayed.  Less than two months into the engagement, he finally broke up with me.  He said I wasn’t good enough for him, I wasn’t classy, I was a low-life, I was not smart enough, I was desperate and that he had found someone better than me {who he is now married to}.

            I cried but I promised myself that from now on, I will stop looking for a man to save me, I will stop looking for a meal ticket from a man, I will stop using the ‘churchgoer is a Christian’ line and I will be my own savior. I will be smart {cause, I thought I wasn’t}, I will heal, I will be whole, I will be healthy and be happy.  I decided that, until I finish my Ph.D. and get a job, I will not date.  So I went full-force and kicked my Ph.D. with everything I’ve got, finished it and got a job.

            Through that relationship, I was overcompensating. Why? I was getting old, I was told that I was over-educated and over qualified so I had to prove that I can cook and worship a man with my all.  I wanted a Godly man; I wanted a man that I can show off as intelligent and rich.  Then I stayed there, despite the abuse.  If he didn’t break up with me, I would have married him.  I was a coward who was ready to marry a monster, be a shadow of her and overcompensated, just to be an ‘MRS’.  I won’t tell you that I was perfect too.  I also became a monster, I fought back, I lost myself, I was broken and I became too sensitive.

            Through it all, I learned my lesson; I grew a thick skin to the people asking when I’m getting married, to those who told me; he must be a certain way.  I learned to look beyond materialism and believed that I can get my own materials.  I celebrated my married friends and their families, but I learned to run my own race and keep working on myself.

            “I am no longer a coward!  I am happy; I’m in a good place”